1.      Avoid asking the question, “How are you doing/ feeling?” It’s an innocent question, yet it really stirs things up. Every day without my wife was the worst day of my life, and hearing that question made those very words come first to my mind. And let’s be honest, it is a rhetorical question. Don’t ask if they are okay, because they are not, even if they say that they are.

Instead, just skip it altogether and start with your second question, and the next point may help you find some better questions to start with.

2.      Avoid asking the question, “Do you want or need anything?” as well. It’s another innocent-seeming question, but it also feels rhetorical, like the previous question. There is a simple solution for this.

Instead, be more specific and less open-ended with your offers of aid. Questions such as, “How are you doing on food?”, “Are you eating? Can I come over and make you something to eat?”, “How much do you need for bills this month?”, “Can I clean the house or walk the dogs for you?”, “Is it okay if I come over and keep you company?” are far more helpful. There’s a real apathy that accompanies this pain and grief, and sometimes you can’t even be bothered to examine the simple things in life to see what needs to be addressed. You can barely think at all, especially on the bereaved side.

The vague, open-ended questions will go unanswered, but the specific ones will be considered. It doesn’t require too much thought, so it might make it under the limbo bar of that apathy and become easier to answer. All it takes is a little initiative and interest.

3.      Avoid giving advice if you have not dealt with this level of grief or are without experience in dealing with suicide in general. If you cannot truly comprehend and sympathize, then you will only cause more pain by trying. These are delicate issues that only those with experience or qualifications will know how to address.

Instead, just continue to focus on being supportive in the ways you know best. Even if it’s just the practical things, it’s still very helpful. Don’t try to do it all yourself, though, you’ll only limit what help they can receive. Let other people get involved. Encourage it, even, because it can provide a wider range of support. It is always crucially important that they know they’re not alone. It takes a village, so the more, the merrier.

4.      Avoid any form of judgment. Ever. Saying things like “You need to get over it”, “You need to move on.”, “You’re still crying about that?”, “It’s not that bad!” count among the worst things you can say before it becomes malicious. Judging or commenting on their cleanliness, habits, or appearance is also a poor choice; there are more important issues to address.

Instead, if you don’t know of anything helpful to say or you think that whatever you might say will be upsetting or just make matters worse, then again, just focus on the ways you can help. Do what you know how to do. Sometimes being helpful means not doing something.

5.     Most importantly, avoid telling them what they should be doing to help themselves or how to solve their own problems, such as, “You need to do XYZ to feel better.” As an analogy, imagine all of their problems are on a plate, and their plate is overloaded. Saying these things will only be adding more onto that plate.

Instead, focus only on the things that you or others can do for them. The goal is to take things away so the plate isn’t spilling over anymore. Lifting their burdens will help provide room for a little optimism to return and make it far more likely for them to seek and accept help for themselves.