Day 141: Please Come Home So I May Dream Again.

Day 141

The waves crash upon me again. They pull me under, and they drag me down the beach with power and ease. I was right to suspect my moments of relative calmness were merely preparing for the next tidal surge, or perhaps the passing of the eye of the storm.

Every grasp of hope is ripped away before my grip is true. I can feel it at my fingertips, but this is surely noticed by some other force as immediately I find it out of reach again.

"The facts cannot be. This world must surely be false," according to my screaming mind whenever whispers of the truth enter my thoughts. Denial not only overpowers reality, it can shape it as well. 

Dissociation is constant. Once upon a time, my mind, body, and spirit were in alignment. Now my spirit is dead, my body is weak, and my mind is lost and its whereabouts are unknown to me. Where am I and what is this world? Which of these worlds is really my home?

At times, I am too depleted to cry the tears my soul attempts to force out. My heart drops then rises to my throat, but suddenly it vanishes. My body has nothing to offer the gods who demand these tears, so it is offered to the demons instead.

To work hard, be well, and follow your dreams are the goals most say to strive for. The mission was accomplished. The work was hard, the well-being was earned, and my lifelong dream didn't just come true, it found its way to me, too. It was all too obvious that we both had the same dream. Before we knew each other, we dreamt of each other. Our magnetic energies allowed our destinies to take direct paths toward one another. By intertwining our destinies, we both realized our biggest dreams. We were truly, undoubtedly, and indisputably made for each other. All of the pieces of our puzzle fit and formed a beautiful canvas for the memories we would make together.

Where has it all gone? The dream has gone along with you because they were always one in the same. Ten years ago, we had only just discovered each other, but I knew exactly who you were. Surely, I could identify the woman who was custom-made for me, and sure enough, I was right. My love for you became bottomless, endless, and eternal overnight, and I hadn't even heard your voice yet.

What am I to do when I can hear your voice no longer? Where do I go without the voice that shaped the dreams I could only have alongside you? The dream had been fulfilled. Everything else must follow it, but now it's gone. Ripped from my once believed immortal grasp, the dream becomes the dread. The dream is dead. You are dead.

If you were my destiny, then how is this my fate?

What can I do when I cannot comprehend what another dream may be? How does one live for themselves when they are only half of the whole? For ten years there was no me, there was only we. If I aimed for the stars, it was only to make you proud, but now I must pretend I do, but this task is lost on me. It is folly. I cannot trust myself, I don't believe myself, and I must see your smile to know I've done right by you. My happiness requires yours. 

There is only one dream left to enjoy, to know that it's all untrue, but I crave the knowledge to find the way, any way, in which I may chase this dream.

Your pain was also my pain. How does this wound close? If I could feel your pain as if it were my own, then where does it go from here? I am hollow, numb, and inside me, I detect nothing when not consumed by the agony. Within me, I have died as you have.

When are you coming home dear? Every noise I hear in this house, this prison of incessant reminders, I first have hope that once again, it's you. Please, just one time, let it be true. Even if I'm not fortunate enough to see your smile, it would bring me such endless solace to know it was still out there, somewhere, anywhere, glistening and bringing light to this dark and looming world.

When I dream, I dream of you. Please come home and make these new dreams come true.